family dynamics | it's probably phd me

I?m entertaining family this week, with my sister, brother-in-law and Niece #3 visiting SG?s new home. ?It?s a pseudo-spring break for N#3 ? since she?s homebound this semester, she doesn?t exactly have to conform to the school calendar ? and a bit of a vacation for all concerned.

We explored around SG?s city yesterday. ?There?s a pretty little downtown area for browsing, ice cream and window shopping, so we spent a few hours there. ?We also walked around the grounds at SG?s university, since he needed to get a book from his office and they?d never been there before.

Today we went further afield to explore another downtown area with a lovely art museum. ?The weather wasn?t very cooperative, unfortunately; it?s not exactly fun to walk around outside with an arctic blast going up your nose. ?Staying inside would have been the smarter option, but my sister had a goal.

The older I get, the more interesting it is to take in my family interactions. ?For some reason, I feel like I?m gaining more distance as I get older, like I?m more often on the outside looking in. ?Perhaps it?s because I?ve spent more years away from my family now than I have in close contact; perhaps it?s just an age thing; perhaps I have issues better discussed with a therapist. ?Regardless, I feel like I?m having a lot more ?huh? moments these days.

My sister ? bless her heart ? is a very focused woman. ?She had an idea in her head as to what we were going to do and that?s what we were going to do. ?Never mind that a change of plans might have been a better idea; never mind that she was miserable in her too-thin coat; never mind my gentle suggestions that another museum might be a better choice; never mind that her daughter was making it quite clear ? as only a teenager can ? that she?d rather do anything than what her mother was suggesting. ?Nope, my sister had a plan and that was that.

So, when she made the mistake of asking N#3 how she was enjoying her day, she was the only one surprised that the vehement insistence that she would much rather be at home doing something else. ?Of course, that left my sister in tears and me trying not to say I told you so (my BIL just ignores it all, from years of experience).

Ah, teenagers. ?Then again, what teenager does want to hang out with her parents? ?As I told her earlier in the day, I really appreciated her hanging out with her boring parents and old un-cool aunt during her spring break, since I knew good and well this was not exactly at the top of any teenager?s wish list. ?I got a laugh from N#3, at least!

I just wish my sister could let things go, not try so hard, not get so focused on the way things should be and simply deal with them as the way they are. ?And I?m not delving into her psyche or trying to extrapolate this into anything deep. ?I?m simply talking about the superficial stuff, like vacations and holidays and day-to-day interactions.

Of course, that?s part of who she is. ?And as my insightful N#3 articulated yesterday, that same trait is part of who she is, something I just realized during my last visit home. ?And I?m quite sure that I was very, very much the same way, before a divorce and a cancer diagnosis changed my outlook on life.

Let?s face it: we?re all a mess. ?But at least we?re a mess together.

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Source: http://probablyphdme.com/2013/03/14/family-dynamics/

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